Category: Mornings

So, my family and I have been staying with a friend and her son for about 2 weeks now, and it has been great.  Honestly, I was scared before we moved in.  I mean, friends are friends, but you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them.  They could be nasty pigs who don’t clean up after themselves, assholes in the morning (this is my husband), use up all the hot water, bitch if you eat the last Oreo cookie, or be some sort of serial toenail clipper who does that nasty shit in front of you.  But my friend is none of these things.  I would have to say that her worst habit is getting me out of bed in the morning with this gigantic smile on her face with a bottle of energy drink in hand.

“Get up! C’mon K., we’ve got things to do!!!”

This kills me.  But it’s been great.  We get along well, go to work at the same time, my hubby has been put to work fixing things in her house, the kids are all playing together well….wait.  Damn.  I knew there was a catch.  These boys are the evil of my eye.

This is Jaidon.

And this is Ethan.

And they are pure  

I’m telling you.  These boys are terror in motion.  A hurricane has nothing on them when they are together.  And it’s not just boys having fun.  It’s a lot of “Moooooom!!!  Jaidon pushed me!!!”

“Moooom!  Ethan hit me!”

Or we will walk into the bedroom and they will have the entire bed taken apart as they do belly flops onto their new gymnastic mat/slide/jungle gym.

It is an adventure every single day, let me tell you.  Yesterday they opened up their new toy guns, because everyone knows that every little boy is a “bad guy” and they proceeded to Wild West all of us in a manner befitting Colonol Mustard in the dining room.

These boys are my loves.  They were born one day apart and are best friends, yet worst enemies.  I believe that they will remain friends for life, even though we are moving out of Texas in less than 2 weeks.

Let’s face it.  Some people come into your life for only a little while, but some come into your life to stay.  Thank God for good friends.

Munchie crunchie

Have you ever had one of those evenings where the inner fat girl grabs hold of you and just won’t let go?  I did that last night.  What did I eat?  Well, suffice it to say that I got my grub on with a tub of frosting (not the whole thing, but enough to feel ashamed), some cheetos, and a box of heart healthy Quaker squares cereal.  Ugh.  And this morning I just feel guilty.  This is what God is talking about when he says Gluttony and the seven deadly sins.


I am going to have to do 3 rounds of my workout today, which includes:

50 jumping jacks  5 pushups   20 sit ups  20 mountain climbers  30 second plank  7 burbees. total body.


Wish me luck.  Although, I am on my second cup of coffee and I’m pretty sure I’ll be motivated very, very soon.


P.S.  If you do this workout twice in a row when you first wake up your body won’t even know you did it until you feel extra sexy in your skinny jeans later.  🙂

So, those of you who think being a Mom is not a job…let me just tell you first off that you can kiss my ass.  Secondly, I can prove to you that it is damn hard work.  Here was my day.

Wake up at 8:00 A.M.  Wait, is it eight already?  Shit!  GET UP EVERYBODY!!!!!  WE’RE LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get Emily dressed and off to school, which is particularly difficult this morning because apparently this is her PMS week.  She refuses to wear any of the 12 pairs of pants I pull out of her drawer.  No, really.  Flat out refuses.  I tell her to get her pants on or else Mommy is gonna get crazy military on that ass.  She finally complies with some dark pink leggings (not the light pink ones Mom, you know that I hate light pink).  Shit.  She then complements her dark pink leggings with an ugly red jacket that truly only goes with her former T-Ball uniform.

Whatever.  She’s off to school.  Only 45 minutes late.  Shit.

I walk to the coffee pot, because y’all know I need my morning coffee, and I realize that there are still dishes in the sink from last night.  So, being OCD like I am about certain things, I fill the sink with soapy water and do the dishes.  I finally get them done and I make some coffee.  I sit down to drink it and check my Facebook and possibly write a blog, when I realize that it’s already past 9:00.  Damn.  I wanted to work out, because I’ve been trying to do that lately more often than once a month, so I decide that Ethan and I will go the gym with the pool and I can swim some laps.

My ADD takes hold and as I get myself and my son prepared I realize that there is laundry that needs to be done.  I pull the clean stuff out of the dryer, change the other over, then fold the clean stuff.  (I don’t put it away because I hate it). Then I realize that the dog needs to be fed.  With my Dad visiting my brother this has become a chore of the children’s, which means I have to monitor the 3 year old while he does it.  I get the water, he gets the food.

Shit.  The gym.  I go to my room and realize that I can’t really leave Ethan to his own devices without him destroying something or making a huge mess, so I find a cartoon for him to watch.  Now, where the hell is a bathing suit that doesn’t make me look too much like Rosie O’Donnel?  I go with the slimming yet mommyish blue bathing suit that covers the entirety that is my body and realize that I still haven’t gotten coffee.  Oh, I made it, but it’s sitting on the desk in front of the computer.  I walk out, bathing suit clad, and sit down at the desk (yep, I’ve been told that I have a very severe case of ADD).  I log onto Facebook and post that I’m going to the gym and does anyone want to have lunch later?

My friend C. quickly replies.  The only problem is, she has a photo shoot at 11, and has no hair and makeup girl.  DUN-DUH-NAAAAAAAAH~!  Super Krystie to the rescue! I quickly jump into my phone booth and spin wildly into my cape so that I can run over and help her with her client.  Oh yeah.  I’m that friend.  Well, there was a bit of selfishness in there.  I wanted her to go to lunch with me.  🙂

By the time I get done helping with hair at the photo shoot it is past 12.  So much for the gym.  I jump in the car to run to Wal-Mart…we are in dire need of paper plates….and by the time I get done spending 80 dollars there (those are some phenomenal paper plates), I realize that it’s now past 1.  I call Cyndi, who is finishing up her photo shoot, and tell her that I’m getting lunch now, because my little boy is starving, and honestly, I was too. Cyndi agrees to meet us at Applebee’s in about 20 minutes.

As I turned the corner from the Wal-Mart onto the main road I see a homeless woman with a sign.  “Will work for food.”  I make a split second decision, pull over, and invite her to lunch.  Fuck it.  Why not?  I always like to feed people.  She tells me her name, and my son graciously tells me as we walk into the restaurant, “I don’t want to sit by her.”  Yep.  My own little Dennis Leary.

We sit down at the restaurant and make small talk while we wait for Cyndi to get there.  Small talk with a homeless person is not easy, let me tell you.  Especially when you think about all the “stuff” that are your personal problems that seem so huge, but their “stuff” is made up of things like, holy shit it got a lot colder today and I don’t have a warm blanket for tonight.  But, we ate, and laughed and even my son warmed up to her a little bit.

Cyndi gets there and we finish lunch.  I then drop the lady off at some random place, and decide that it is 2:30 and I have just enough time to make it to Sam’s Club because we are almost out of fruits and veggies at my house, and that is against our religion.  No, seriously.  We’re from California.

Sam’s Club takes longer than I thought it would and OH SHIT!  It’s 3:00!  I have to be at Emily’s school in 15 minutes to pick her up!  I can’t drop her off late and then pick her up late to make it up!  We run to the cash register line, which is WAAAAAY longer than it should be on a Wednesday afternoon, and finally check out.  I make it to Emily’s school and grab her up just in time to realize that I forgot pudding and gummy worms for her Halloween party at the Girl Scout meeting tonight.  Oh yeah, and Emily needs red tights for her WonderWoman costume. I swear, if I don’t get this ADD under control…..

We drive to the supermarket, then back to Wal-Mart to get the needed goods.  It’s 4:42 by this point.  The party is at 6.  Shit.  Okay…I can do this.  Wait!  I have to pay the light bill or it’s late today!  I jump onto the computer and realize I can’t find my login information.  Fuck!  Where is that account number.  Are you kidding me???? It’s 4:45.  I have literally 15 minutes to get my payment in, so I call customer service.  Cue the elevator music…and then the voice of the annoying bitch who tells me that my wait time is going to be longer than 10 minutes due to high call volume.  I am frantic at this point.  Yes, it’s only 10 dollars, but I don’t want to pay another 10 dollars, damn it.  Wait…I remember!  I put in the correct info, and PRESTO!  The bill is paid!  Shit.  Okay.

We have to make dirt cups now kids!!!!  Uh huh…we now have to make some cutesie little cups with oreos, pudding, and gummy worms for the party that we are supposed to be at in 1 hours.  We get it done in 15 minutes and I realize that I still haven’t showered today.  I magically get in and out of the shower within 8 minutes…I’m like a ninja.  I yell to the kids as water is still dripping down the crack of my ass, “Time to put your costumes on!!!”  They yell with excitement, always ready for anything Halloween related, and start the process.  I walk out of the bathroom to help, still in a towel, and proceed to get them properly clothed.  Once they are done I realize that I am still in a towel.

Deep breaths. How much longer is my day???  Well, I still have to go through Ethan falling asleep before we even get out the door to go to the party as well as homework to be done and a meeting about the work Halloween party this weekend.  I would tell you about all that too, but I am getting too tired just writing this blog.

Hope your day was somewhat productive too!!  I think I’ll go have a little nightcap now.  🙂


I woke up this morning to an elbow right in my face along with a knee in my back.  My husband is lucky it wasn’t him cause I probably would have punched him right in the gut for taking up so much space (which is a normal thing, btw).  Nope!  This time it was my son.  He is such an awful sleeper!  And by this, I mean he spreads completely out on the bed.  I don’t understand how a 3 year old can manage to take up practically an entire California King Size bed, but he manages to do it.

I get out of bed because I just can’t manage to hit the snooze button one more time, let along shove Ethan back over to his Dad’s side again.

Coffee.  I need coffee.  I make my way into the kitchen where the coffee pot awaits our morning routine.  It’s somewhat like a Folgers commercial, except I make my own coffee…nobody is sneaking in to wake me up with the aroma drifting down the hallway.  Plus I hate Folgers.  I use Hills Bros coffee and we grind our own beans in this house.  If you knew my Dad you would know that coffee is not just coffee.  It is a religion.  Anyway, I digress.

I inhale the smell of freshly ground coffee beans and get the pot percolating.  I realize that I actually got to sleep in this morning, and by sleep in, I mean I slept until 8.

What’s this?  No screaming?  No fighting?  No tantrums?  I’m just not really sure what to do with myself.

My son pads sleepily down the hallway and I realize that dreams really do come true.  That’s right…he slept through the night without wetting the bed (which is extra special, since he decided to climb into our bed).

He looked somewhat like this guy, except smaller and cuter.  Ignore the lady.

Next, I make a mental note of my to-do list today and realize that it really isn’t that long. Then I realize that I have no homework today.  I actually have some time for myself!!

Yup.  It’s gonna be a good day tator.

Ok.  So this morning I woke up with a slight headache and a really dry mouth.  I wondered why, and then I remembered that my husband and I decided to consume an entire bottle of pinot noir last night at around midnight.  Oh yeah….not the best idea on a Sunday night.  But at the time, it was fantastic.  And when do we get to have a bottle of wine to ourselves??

I buttoned my daughter’s pants for her sleepily as I realized that yes, I did have to get out of bed.  My compliant husband stumbled to the kitchen to make my demanding self coffee.  What a sweet love.  I rolled out of bed and decided that I was not showering today.  It was a decision based on two things…

1.  I did not have time if we were going to get the truck into the shop at it’s appointed time.

2.  I did not give a shit.

Ugh.  I thought about my to do list for the day, which includes several things (one of which is writing this blog).  I had to feed the dog, dress the boy, make a grocery list, go to the grocery store (maybe), do at least 5 loads of laundry, write an outline for an abnormal psych paper, do my homework for my online class, sweep the floor, mop it if I have time, go running, shower (by this point it will be an absolute necessity), work on my grad school application, take the dog for a walk, go to class at 3, make dinner, which I should really pull out of the freezer right now, get the kids to clean their rooms, help the girl with her homework….this list is growing as I type.  I think I’ll stop now.

Anyway, about 5 minutes before my kindergartener had to be in class I had to declothe her.  Why?  Well, she was wearing the same pants that she has been wearing for approximately a week now.  I still can’t understand why she chooses the same clothes over and over and over again.  She’s my little hobo in training.  Gotta love it.

Em finally finishes getting dressed and I pull on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and brush the foul odor out of my mouth.  I wash my face and contemplate how to attack the day.  I hear a squeal from my son as I scrub away, trying to erase the years that are adding exponentially onto my face.  He is climbing into the refrigerator and has two yogurts in hand.

“Bubba, Daddy is gonna take us out to breakfast.”

“I want to eat!”

“Okay, but Daddy is going to take us out to eat.”

“I want waffles!”

The yogurt finally gets relinquished as my son contemplates the idea of waffles, eggs, and orange juice.  I look at his chubby face and laugh to myself as I realize that there might just be another bottle of wine in store for us tonight.

My goodness…it seems I never make the time to get on here and blog anymore, but due to insomnia (a by-product of working as a bartender) here I am, giving all of you the fantastic opportunity to get another little piece of me.  I really
should be in bed right now, considering I have class in less than 7 hours, and yet…something tells me that I need to write.

How are the kiddos? you may be wondering.  Well, they are fantastic.  Today was picture day, which started off at about 6:30 A.M.  Emily (my brand new kindergartener), decided
that she was going to begin the day with an argument about what to wear for pictures.

Fan-fucking-tastic.  I was still wiping the crust out of my eyes as she began to cry when I told her that she could absolutely not wear the 2 year old capri pants from a thrift store with a hole in the knees and a faded green and yellow flower print in combination with the same thrift store striped purple
and white .50 cent t-shirt.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all about letting your kids express themselves.  She loves those pants.  And if I think that
anything is cute, or nice, or pretty, or fun, it is her absolute rule that it is, in actuality, none of those things.  I get it.  It’s the mother-daughter dynamic.  Trust me…if anyone gets fighting with your mother, it’s me.  And I typically am pretty lenient about letting her express her own sense of
individuality.  Picking my battles and all.  But today was picture day.  I want a cleaned-up-Emily picture.  She seemed to think that picture day was about her, but whoaaaaaa….was she wrong.  Picture day is for me to store you into my
memory as that 5 year old little girl with two missing front teeth.  Damn it.

That was the beginning.  After about 3 meltdowns trying to get her off to school I had to physically push my husband out of bed to take her there and then get his own ass to work.  By this time I am exhausted.  That’s what staying up until 3 in the morning playing Fruit Ninja will get me.  Of course my
handsome baby boy is awake now, all strapped into his tennis shoes and batman underwear, ready to take on the world!  If only Mommy had her batman underwear on…….

Needless to say, Ethan had a
fantastic morning watching PBS while Mommy dozed on the couch, only to be
awakened to my son feeling the size of his apparently amazing turdball through
his batman underwear.  Now I’m awake.  I sit up and command him into the
bathroom to finish off his newly begun underwear art project in peace.  I look
around and realize that it’s going to be a long day.  Especially since we’re out
of coffee.  But even more especially since we are out of Bailey’s to go into the
coffee.  Yup.  Gonna be a long day.