Category: Funny


Okay.  So, I’ve been working all day on this research paper/distracting myself with Facebook and Pinterest (they are the devil), and I found this quote that I just had to stop and blog about.

These are powerful words.  I know that I am a snarky bitch a lot of the time, but this quote could change your life in a very real way.  Life is hard people.  God (or Ala, or whoever you might pray to) didn’t say that it was going to be easy…just that it would be.  There are a few simple rules to maintaining happiness.

Rule #1

SMILE! 

Put on your pretty panties, grab a hairbrush, turn the radio up and sing and dance in the mirror!  Go ahead and laugh at yourself when you drop that stack of papers…you can still pick it up!  Life is so much less painful when you retain a sense of humor about the little things.

Rule #2

GET OVER IT! 

You aren’t always going to be number one.  That’s okay.  You are going to fail, many, many times.  But the courage to get back up and try it again might just be what you needed to get a fresh perspective on things.

Rule #3

TRY NEW THINGS! 

Doing the same old routine is comforting, yes.  I enjoy a cup of coffee every single morning.  But, there are days that I don’t get my coffee, and on those days, I decide, what the hell…maybe I’ll have tea.  And you know what?  I liked the tea!!!  New things make life fresh again, new friends bring new love and ideas, new stuff can be the highlight of your year if you allow it to!

Rule #4

STAY CONNECTED!

And no, I don’t mean with Facebook.  CALL SOMEONE!  To be fulfilled, you have to maintain real relationships with people.  Even if that means picking up the phone and actually having to figure out some sort of real conversation other than that quote you found on Pinterest today.

Rule #5

GO OUTSIDE!

Seriously…get out of the house.  Get your hands in the dirt, ride your bike, roller skate (I absolutely suggest this one), play softball, go to the park, enjoy nature and beauty and fresh air.  Pictures online do not do nature justice.

Rule #6

FORGIVE OTHERS!

C’mon guys, we are all guilty of this.  But seriously…we are all human.  And what is that grudge doing for you anyway?  Holding a grudge is similar to purposely giving yourself cancer, because anger grows over time.  We feed it, and the key to letting yourself be free is to forgive the other people who have hurt you.  People are always going to let you down, because they are people.  But guess what…you have let someone down too, and they have probably forgiven you.

Rule #7

GO ON A DATE!

This is so important.  It’s along the lines of staying connected, but you must do this with your intimate relationships as well.  For those of us in old dusty relationships, we have to ignite the fire and remember what the hell we wanted in these people that we have been with since the beginning of time.  Some days it is hard when you are staring at a nose hair that got missed by the trimmer…but date night is invigorating to a relationship.  And if you are not in a relationship, that’s okay too….ask somebody out!  Even if they are not your type, just to connect intimately (not sex, although that’s nice too), with another person.

Rule #8

SELF CARE!!

Do something that makes YOU happy.  Not your kids.  Not your mom.  Not your husband/wife.  Not your friends.  YOU.  Get a massage.  Read a book.  Write a song.  Go on a hike.  Visit Mt. Olympus.  Date a hot Italian.  Whatever is on that bucket list of things you love to do but you just keep putting off.  Do it now.

Rule #9

HELP SOMEONE ELSE!

There is no better feeling in this world than knowing that your act has had an effect on someone else’s well being.  Volunteer your time, your money, your children, whatever.  I promise you, somewhere, there is someone who has it worse than you.  Give of yourself and you will reap the benefits.

Rule #10

MAKE A CHANGE

The best thing about life is that you are in control of your actions.  You cannot always control your situation, but you get to pick how you react to wherever you are in life, be it person, place, or thing.  Make your choices, make your changes, and then appreciate them.  You either achieved or you failed, but either way, you learned.  Don’t let fear rule your life.  Like Nike says….Just Do It.

Mom!!!!!

“Hey mom, can I have a dollar?”

Good lord.  These kids are nickel, dime, and dollaring me to death!  I certainly understand that there are times that a parent should pass out the fundage, but man, when there are no funds to be had, how do you explain to a 6 year old that, no, we’re not actually rich?

Times are tough.  Money is tight.  Everyone is trying to rub two dimes together and come up with a $20 bill.  I, however, do not have these magical powers.  I’m sitting here staring at a $1000 AllState bill, all because these fucktards couldn’t get their shit together and bill me correctly on a monthly basis.  So now, I get to pay for their incompetence all in one chunk.  Yea me!!!

I also have to pay a lovely $800 ER bill for when my son damn near knocked himself out the other night.  I got one bill from the ER and another from the physician’s group, which would be fine, except we didn’t even see a damn physician.  We saw an assistant.  Fanfuckingtastic.  We were in the waiting room for 4 hours and then we got seen for a total of 7 minutes.  They took my son’s pulse and then billed me $162 for a pulmonary exam.  WTF???

Pardon my foul language, but holy shitballs!  Welcome to my life.  I’m sure that some of your lives are reflective of the same problems.  But, money comes and goes, usually going more than it comes, and life is not for the weak willed.  This game is tough, and I’m just gonna have to suck it up cupcake and make some things happen.

Now….on to finding that money tree…..

Budget????

Well, life is good.  I’m once again learning to live on a budget, and although it is difficult, it is attainable.  California is definitely a rough place to be right now, economically speaking, although the flowers on the trees that are blooming for spring right now are absolutely gorgeous. However, this is the area of the land of the free where it is the home of the completely broke and unemployed.

My kids are growing.  And eating.  And growing.  Holy crap when did food get this expensive?  I suppose if I fed them crap all day long I could save money, but I’m one of these mothers who fills the fridge with vegetables, fruits, yogurt, cheese, and all that kind of stuff.  Whole wheat pasta is actually pretty good.  Don’t worry…we have a cookie jar too, they get treats every once in awhile, but for the most part, healthy food=good food.

And I seriously wish I had time to coupon.  Those bitches save so much money!  Ugh.  I am the stupid cow who gets a few coupons and acts like I will use them, then I forget them on the way to the store.  My ADD is crippling my couponing ability!!  I see some of my friends posting about how much money they saved, and then I think back to when I actually tried to coupon.  What they don’t tell you is how much work it actually is to save as much money as they do.  How many hours you actually put in.  I just don’t have the time.

I have already cut back on the things that we don’t need, only buying necessities and all that jazz.  But let’s face it…just basic bills are expensive.  Too much month at the end of the money, if you know what I mean.

The funds are running low people.  So if you have any tips on how to score some extra cash (legally people, I can’t catch a case), please….let me know!!!!

but, I can’t.  Not after I just paid a $313 PG&E bill.  Holy shit.  Is California really this expensive?  I swear, the only part that seems like I remember it is the fruit guy on the corner giving me fantastic deals on a flat of strawberries.  And P.S., I’m paying $80,000 to get my master’s degree.  What in the hell was I thinking?

The good news is, hubby found a job.  The bad news is, the job is part-time.  The good news is, he’s got some side work to fill in.  The worse news is, it’s all a guessing game as to when or if the side work will continue to file in.

CRAP!

I’m not singing any more Biggie Smalls in my head anymore…just trying to sing in the rain (which, by the way is really lovely to see and smell, sorry Hub City friends).

Did I mention that I have to find childcare?  How does that work?  I need to pay someone to watch my children while I pay to work for free as I get my master’s.  Double crap.

And yet, the days are good.  I’m playing Roller Derby now, which is AWESOME!!

I’m no Tonya Harding, but I’ll still break your leg…

Wow.  I’m full of uncanny wit tonight…guess it’s been awhile since I got on here and decompressed to my phenomenal readers.

But I did have a crazy fun night with my kids and hubby watching, of all movies, Space Jam.  Then I did a long tuck-in with the kiddos while my sleepy-faced son drifted off to dreamland after his sweet prayers were finished.

My daughter even had a real talk with me about what was going on at school…score one for cool mommy with maybe some good advice.  Maybe not; is it wrong to tell your kid that when other kids are little assholes to treat them like doo doo back?  I mean, she’s usually really good at ignoring, but I could tell that this one little mean girl was really starting to hurt her feelings.  Kids like that make me want to kick them in the face.  With steel toed boots.  Ugly mommy is coming out.

Anyway folks, it’s nice to be back.  Hope you enjoyed the festivities, and I’ll see you all on the other side of my eyelids!

K.

I’m still scared

Okay.  I’ll admit it.  I’m scared.  We are in California, and with friends and family, and having a blast…but the funds are already starting to run low.  This combined with the fact that NO ONE seems to be hiring right now, is really, really scary.  I am not really sure what we are going to do if we do not find jobs soon.  I might just be flipping beef at your local burger joint.  I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  Ugh.  But I’m not too good to clean a toilet.  I just don’t wanna…but that doesn’t mean I  won’t.  I’ll be the sexiest janitor that Cali has ever seen!

It does suck right now though.  Nothing is going as planned.  It’s really hard to find a house when you don’t have a job; even harder to find a job when the economy is shit.  And I’ve gotta be honest…I’m not so crazy about Stockton.  No offense to those who live there, but damn.  It’s so depressed that it makes me want to take a prozac.

I don’t really know what we are going to do.  We might have a house…maybe.  Still waiting to hear from this guy.  But even if we do, can we afford it?  Can we find jobs?  Are we gonna be okay?

The answer to all of the above questions is yes.  We are going to be okay.  I know that we are…I just have this ball of pain in my stomach that is slowly turning into an ulcer.  And every time my children ask me, “Mom, when are we going to get our own house?” it hurts just a little bit more.  I keep questioning our choice to move back home…was it the right decision?  Who knows?  All I really know is that I’m with my family.  And that’s all that really matters.  My children, my husband, my dad…well, he’s not here yet, but will be soon.

Plus, we have great friends and family out here that will support us in everything that we do.  So there.

Happy New Year everyone!

So, my family and I have been staying with a friend and her son for about 2 weeks now, and it has been great.  Honestly, I was scared before we moved in.  I mean, friends are friends, but you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them.  They could be nasty pigs who don’t clean up after themselves, assholes in the morning (this is my husband), use up all the hot water, bitch if you eat the last Oreo cookie, or be some sort of serial toenail clipper who does that nasty shit in front of you.  But my friend is none of these things.  I would have to say that her worst habit is getting me out of bed in the morning with this gigantic smile on her face with a bottle of energy drink in hand.

“Get up! C’mon K., we’ve got things to do!!!”

This kills me.  But it’s been great.  We get along well, go to work at the same time, my hubby has been put to work fixing things in her house, the kids are all playing together well….wait.  Damn.  I knew there was a catch.  These boys are the evil of my eye.

This is Jaidon.

And this is Ethan.

And they are pure  

I’m telling you.  These boys are terror in motion.  A hurricane has nothing on them when they are together.  And it’s not just boys having fun.  It’s a lot of “Moooooom!!!  Jaidon pushed me!!!”

“Moooom!  Ethan hit me!”

Or we will walk into the bedroom and they will have the entire bed taken apart as they do belly flops onto their new gymnastic mat/slide/jungle gym.

It is an adventure every single day, let me tell you.  Yesterday they opened up their new toy guns, because everyone knows that every little boy is a “bad guy” and they proceeded to Wild West all of us in a manner befitting Colonol Mustard in the dining room.

These boys are my loves.  They were born one day apart and are best friends, yet worst enemies.  I believe that they will remain friends for life, even though we are moving out of Texas in less than 2 weeks.

Let’s face it.  Some people come into your life for only a little while, but some come into your life to stay.  Thank God for good friends.

Munchie crunchie

Have you ever had one of those evenings where the inner fat girl grabs hold of you and just won’t let go?  I did that last night.  What did I eat?  Well, suffice it to say that I got my grub on with a tub of frosting (not the whole thing, but enough to feel ashamed), some cheetos, and a box of heart healthy Quaker squares cereal.  Ugh.  And this morning I just feel guilty.  This is what God is talking about when he says Gluttony and the seven deadly sins.

 

I am going to have to do 3 rounds of my workout today, which includes:

50 jumping jacks  5 pushups   20 sit ups  20 mountain climbers  30 second plank  7 burbees. total body.

Ugh.

Wish me luck.  Although, I am on my second cup of coffee and I’m pretty sure I’ll be motivated very, very soon.

 

P.S.  If you do this workout twice in a row when you first wake up your body won’t even know you did it until you feel extra sexy in your skinny jeans later.  🙂

Okay.  I am moving to California.  This is awesome.  Well, kinda.  I mean, I’m excited because all of our family is out there.  Plus the ocean, the mountains…anything but seeing the back of my own head when I stare at the horizon.  I really am truly excited.  Yet….I am terrified!

Don’t get me wrong, we have done this before, the whole moving while completely unprepared thing, except last time we moved somewhere that there was a stable economy.  Lord knows Cali is the last place on the list if you want to look for a job right now.  And I’ve gotta admit, I’m gonna miss Texas.  The smoky bars that will ultimately give me the black lung, the underlying racism, the Curs Lights, the weather that tells me to wear long underwear and a parka in the morning and go swimming in the afternoon.  All kidding aside though, I truly will miss Texas.  I do like the social freedoms that are still intact over here.  And I have made some phenomenal friends.  But fuck that…y’all can come visit me and we’ll go to the beach.  K?

This is what us moving looks like right now.  No, you are not watching Hoarders.

That’s my old end table and new bookshelf.  Did I mention that we are selling everything we own?  Pretty sure we were on drugs when we decided that.

You can’t really tell, but that is a small bookshelf in my dining area.  And back behind the table are two boxes full of kids books and assorted crappy toys that we pried out of our kids’ hands to sell/give away.

This is the other side of my dining room.  Yup.  We have a closet, a water cooler, a medicine cabinet, an oscillating fan, a child bed side rail and an ironing board all lined up against the same wall.  Don’t forget the flip flops!!  (See, we are Californians!)

This used to be my dad’s room.  Now it’s a trashy area for the kids to hang out in.

And this, dear readers…this is where I am working from right now.  Oh yeah…I’ve got an old school TV, a sewing machine and table, another box of toys, my desk, and a variety of shit stacked on top of it.

I hate moving.  But, let’s look at the bright side.  I’m gonna get new stuff!!!

I work out!

One of my very close friends got me into that song and now I can’t get it out of my head!  Although, I have to say, seeing that guy wiggle his junk is superb motivation for me to work out myself.  Speaking of…my Insanity videos came in the mail and I’m able to do the fit test this morning.  If you hear something about a fat chick who died while doing a work out…that was definitely me.  But, the plan is to do it anyway.  I don’t need to be rock hard or anything, but I wouldn’t mind dropping a few or 30 pounds.

No, but really…I’ll never be one of those teeny tiny girls that I wanted to be in high school, and that’s ok.  I really just want to be healthy for my kids.  And that means that I work out.  Not every day…I’m not trying to win any medals or anything.  Just enough to where I don’t start choking on my own swollen throat when I climb a flight of stairs.  It’s a good thing.  I’ll keep you informed on how the workout goes.  I think I’m gonna be a big ol’ sweaty mess in about 15 minutes.

So many ideas…

Okay.  I found a new website.  Well, it’s new to me.  And let me tell you…I am addicted.  It’s called Pinterest and I just can’t get enough.  It’s more distracting than Facebook, because it gets you in and you start looking at stuff that is Oh So Cool and you just can’t stop.  So, this is me, stopping.  I’m now writing this blog for you, but I do believe that you should check out Pinterest.com.  Because It. Is. Awesome.  And you can pin anything that you see from any web site (except facebook).

The internet is so addictive.  And trust me on this…addiction studies is what I have my degree in.  Seriously…they’ve done brain studies and your brain lights up like a back alley hooker hitting the crack pipe when you are online and engaged.

Especially if you’re into those 1st person shooter games.  Those are especially bad.  But the internet can be great too.  It’s an invaluable resource when my kid gets some random rash on their elbows.  What the hell would I do without WebMD.com???  I mean really?  I don’t remember what I did before Google.  Encyclopedias?  Waste of time.  Yellow pages?  Only if they’re online.  I don’t need cable.  I’ve got Netflix and Hulu.  But one of these days, I’m gonna shut it down for at least a week.  Because sometimes you just have to get out of the house, release the laptop and the iphone, and go experience something for real.  We wonder why we are all getting fat, sedentary, and no one is happy.  We are chasing dreams that are constantly perpetuated by the media that is taking up more and more and more of our lives.

Here’s an idea.  So, in honor of my Pinterest addiction I am dedicating the rest of my day to the real world.  Right after I finish this paper that’s due tomorrow.  Shit.