Category: Comedy


Okay.  So, I’ve been working all day on this research paper/distracting myself with Facebook and Pinterest (they are the devil), and I found this quote that I just had to stop and blog about.

These are powerful words.  I know that I am a snarky bitch a lot of the time, but this quote could change your life in a very real way.  Life is hard people.  God (or Ala, or whoever you might pray to) didn’t say that it was going to be easy…just that it would be.  There are a few simple rules to maintaining happiness.

Rule #1

SMILE! 

Put on your pretty panties, grab a hairbrush, turn the radio up and sing and dance in the mirror!  Go ahead and laugh at yourself when you drop that stack of papers…you can still pick it up!  Life is so much less painful when you retain a sense of humor about the little things.

Rule #2

GET OVER IT! 

You aren’t always going to be number one.  That’s okay.  You are going to fail, many, many times.  But the courage to get back up and try it again might just be what you needed to get a fresh perspective on things.

Rule #3

TRY NEW THINGS! 

Doing the same old routine is comforting, yes.  I enjoy a cup of coffee every single morning.  But, there are days that I don’t get my coffee, and on those days, I decide, what the hell…maybe I’ll have tea.  And you know what?  I liked the tea!!!  New things make life fresh again, new friends bring new love and ideas, new stuff can be the highlight of your year if you allow it to!

Rule #4

STAY CONNECTED!

And no, I don’t mean with Facebook.  CALL SOMEONE!  To be fulfilled, you have to maintain real relationships with people.  Even if that means picking up the phone and actually having to figure out some sort of real conversation other than that quote you found on Pinterest today.

Rule #5

GO OUTSIDE!

Seriously…get out of the house.  Get your hands in the dirt, ride your bike, roller skate (I absolutely suggest this one), play softball, go to the park, enjoy nature and beauty and fresh air.  Pictures online do not do nature justice.

Rule #6

FORGIVE OTHERS!

C’mon guys, we are all guilty of this.  But seriously…we are all human.  And what is that grudge doing for you anyway?  Holding a grudge is similar to purposely giving yourself cancer, because anger grows over time.  We feed it, and the key to letting yourself be free is to forgive the other people who have hurt you.  People are always going to let you down, because they are people.  But guess what…you have let someone down too, and they have probably forgiven you.

Rule #7

GO ON A DATE!

This is so important.  It’s along the lines of staying connected, but you must do this with your intimate relationships as well.  For those of us in old dusty relationships, we have to ignite the fire and remember what the hell we wanted in these people that we have been with since the beginning of time.  Some days it is hard when you are staring at a nose hair that got missed by the trimmer…but date night is invigorating to a relationship.  And if you are not in a relationship, that’s okay too….ask somebody out!  Even if they are not your type, just to connect intimately (not sex, although that’s nice too), with another person.

Rule #8

SELF CARE!!

Do something that makes YOU happy.  Not your kids.  Not your mom.  Not your husband/wife.  Not your friends.  YOU.  Get a massage.  Read a book.  Write a song.  Go on a hike.  Visit Mt. Olympus.  Date a hot Italian.  Whatever is on that bucket list of things you love to do but you just keep putting off.  Do it now.

Rule #9

HELP SOMEONE ELSE!

There is no better feeling in this world than knowing that your act has had an effect on someone else’s well being.  Volunteer your time, your money, your children, whatever.  I promise you, somewhere, there is someone who has it worse than you.  Give of yourself and you will reap the benefits.

Rule #10

MAKE A CHANGE

The best thing about life is that you are in control of your actions.  You cannot always control your situation, but you get to pick how you react to wherever you are in life, be it person, place, or thing.  Make your choices, make your changes, and then appreciate them.  You either achieved or you failed, but either way, you learned.  Don’t let fear rule your life.  Like Nike says….Just Do It.

Budget????

Well, life is good.  I’m once again learning to live on a budget, and although it is difficult, it is attainable.  California is definitely a rough place to be right now, economically speaking, although the flowers on the trees that are blooming for spring right now are absolutely gorgeous. However, this is the area of the land of the free where it is the home of the completely broke and unemployed.

My kids are growing.  And eating.  And growing.  Holy crap when did food get this expensive?  I suppose if I fed them crap all day long I could save money, but I’m one of these mothers who fills the fridge with vegetables, fruits, yogurt, cheese, and all that kind of stuff.  Whole wheat pasta is actually pretty good.  Don’t worry…we have a cookie jar too, they get treats every once in awhile, but for the most part, healthy food=good food.

And I seriously wish I had time to coupon.  Those bitches save so much money!  Ugh.  I am the stupid cow who gets a few coupons and acts like I will use them, then I forget them on the way to the store.  My ADD is crippling my couponing ability!!  I see some of my friends posting about how much money they saved, and then I think back to when I actually tried to coupon.  What they don’t tell you is how much work it actually is to save as much money as they do.  How many hours you actually put in.  I just don’t have the time.

I have already cut back on the things that we don’t need, only buying necessities and all that jazz.  But let’s face it…just basic bills are expensive.  Too much month at the end of the money, if you know what I mean.

The funds are running low people.  So if you have any tips on how to score some extra cash (legally people, I can’t catch a case), please….let me know!!!!

So, my family and I have been staying with a friend and her son for about 2 weeks now, and it has been great.  Honestly, I was scared before we moved in.  I mean, friends are friends, but you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them.  They could be nasty pigs who don’t clean up after themselves, assholes in the morning (this is my husband), use up all the hot water, bitch if you eat the last Oreo cookie, or be some sort of serial toenail clipper who does that nasty shit in front of you.  But my friend is none of these things.  I would have to say that her worst habit is getting me out of bed in the morning with this gigantic smile on her face with a bottle of energy drink in hand.

“Get up! C’mon K., we’ve got things to do!!!”

This kills me.  But it’s been great.  We get along well, go to work at the same time, my hubby has been put to work fixing things in her house, the kids are all playing together well….wait.  Damn.  I knew there was a catch.  These boys are the evil of my eye.

This is Jaidon.

And this is Ethan.

And they are pure  

I’m telling you.  These boys are terror in motion.  A hurricane has nothing on them when they are together.  And it’s not just boys having fun.  It’s a lot of “Moooooom!!!  Jaidon pushed me!!!”

“Moooom!  Ethan hit me!”

Or we will walk into the bedroom and they will have the entire bed taken apart as they do belly flops onto their new gymnastic mat/slide/jungle gym.

It is an adventure every single day, let me tell you.  Yesterday they opened up their new toy guns, because everyone knows that every little boy is a “bad guy” and they proceeded to Wild West all of us in a manner befitting Colonol Mustard in the dining room.

These boys are my loves.  They were born one day apart and are best friends, yet worst enemies.  I believe that they will remain friends for life, even though we are moving out of Texas in less than 2 weeks.

Let’s face it.  Some people come into your life for only a little while, but some come into your life to stay.  Thank God for good friends.

Okay.  I am moving to California.  This is awesome.  Well, kinda.  I mean, I’m excited because all of our family is out there.  Plus the ocean, the mountains…anything but seeing the back of my own head when I stare at the horizon.  I really am truly excited.  Yet….I am terrified!

Don’t get me wrong, we have done this before, the whole moving while completely unprepared thing, except last time we moved somewhere that there was a stable economy.  Lord knows Cali is the last place on the list if you want to look for a job right now.  And I’ve gotta admit, I’m gonna miss Texas.  The smoky bars that will ultimately give me the black lung, the underlying racism, the Curs Lights, the weather that tells me to wear long underwear and a parka in the morning and go swimming in the afternoon.  All kidding aside though, I truly will miss Texas.  I do like the social freedoms that are still intact over here.  And I have made some phenomenal friends.  But fuck that…y’all can come visit me and we’ll go to the beach.  K?

This is what us moving looks like right now.  No, you are not watching Hoarders.

That’s my old end table and new bookshelf.  Did I mention that we are selling everything we own?  Pretty sure we were on drugs when we decided that.

You can’t really tell, but that is a small bookshelf in my dining area.  And back behind the table are two boxes full of kids books and assorted crappy toys that we pried out of our kids’ hands to sell/give away.

This is the other side of my dining room.  Yup.  We have a closet, a water cooler, a medicine cabinet, an oscillating fan, a child bed side rail and an ironing board all lined up against the same wall.  Don’t forget the flip flops!!  (See, we are Californians!)

This used to be my dad’s room.  Now it’s a trashy area for the kids to hang out in.

And this, dear readers…this is where I am working from right now.  Oh yeah…I’ve got an old school TV, a sewing machine and table, another box of toys, my desk, and a variety of shit stacked on top of it.

I hate moving.  But, let’s look at the bright side.  I’m gonna get new stuff!!!

Shhhhhhh….

Truly, truly, truly.  Bad choices.  Yuck.  And now I pay.  With a sweet sweet boy bouncing up and down on my lap.  Being a bartender in Texas with children…not so much fun the day after I work.  Especially on a slow slow night.

Yes, this comes with a price.  Especially the older my poor body gets.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a hangover everything seems 10x louder than it is?

Day 1 of three.

I think I’ll go rehydrate now.  Don’t judge me.

So, those of you who think being a Mom is not a job…let me just tell you first off that you can kiss my ass.  Secondly, I can prove to you that it is damn hard work.  Here was my day.

Wake up at 8:00 A.M.  Wait, is it eight already?  Shit!  GET UP EVERYBODY!!!!!  WE’RE LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get Emily dressed and off to school, which is particularly difficult this morning because apparently this is her PMS week.  She refuses to wear any of the 12 pairs of pants I pull out of her drawer.  No, really.  Flat out refuses.  I tell her to get her pants on or else Mommy is gonna get crazy military on that ass.  She finally complies with some dark pink leggings (not the light pink ones Mom, you know that I hate light pink).  Shit.  She then complements her dark pink leggings with an ugly red jacket that truly only goes with her former T-Ball uniform.

Whatever.  She’s off to school.  Only 45 minutes late.  Shit.

I walk to the coffee pot, because y’all know I need my morning coffee, and I realize that there are still dishes in the sink from last night.  So, being OCD like I am about certain things, I fill the sink with soapy water and do the dishes.  I finally get them done and I make some coffee.  I sit down to drink it and check my Facebook and possibly write a blog, when I realize that it’s already past 9:00.  Damn.  I wanted to work out, because I’ve been trying to do that lately more often than once a month, so I decide that Ethan and I will go the gym with the pool and I can swim some laps.

My ADD takes hold and as I get myself and my son prepared I realize that there is laundry that needs to be done.  I pull the clean stuff out of the dryer, change the other over, then fold the clean stuff.  (I don’t put it away because I hate it). Then I realize that the dog needs to be fed.  With my Dad visiting my brother this has become a chore of the children’s, which means I have to monitor the 3 year old while he does it.  I get the water, he gets the food.

Shit.  The gym.  I go to my room and realize that I can’t really leave Ethan to his own devices without him destroying something or making a huge mess, so I find a cartoon for him to watch.  Now, where the hell is a bathing suit that doesn’t make me look too much like Rosie O’Donnel?  I go with the slimming yet mommyish blue bathing suit that covers the entirety that is my body and realize that I still haven’t gotten coffee.  Oh, I made it, but it’s sitting on the desk in front of the computer.  I walk out, bathing suit clad, and sit down at the desk (yep, I’ve been told that I have a very severe case of ADD).  I log onto Facebook and post that I’m going to the gym and does anyone want to have lunch later?

My friend C. quickly replies.  The only problem is, she has a photo shoot at 11, and has no hair and makeup girl.  DUN-DUH-NAAAAAAAAH~!  Super Krystie to the rescue! I quickly jump into my phone booth and spin wildly into my cape so that I can run over and help her with her client.  Oh yeah.  I’m that friend.  Well, there was a bit of selfishness in there.  I wanted her to go to lunch with me.  🙂

By the time I get done helping with hair at the photo shoot it is past 12.  So much for the gym.  I jump in the car to run to Wal-Mart…we are in dire need of paper plates….and by the time I get done spending 80 dollars there (those are some phenomenal paper plates), I realize that it’s now past 1.  I call Cyndi, who is finishing up her photo shoot, and tell her that I’m getting lunch now, because my little boy is starving, and honestly, I was too. Cyndi agrees to meet us at Applebee’s in about 20 minutes.

As I turned the corner from the Wal-Mart onto the main road I see a homeless woman with a sign.  “Will work for food.”  I make a split second decision, pull over, and invite her to lunch.  Fuck it.  Why not?  I always like to feed people.  She tells me her name, and my son graciously tells me as we walk into the restaurant, “I don’t want to sit by her.”  Yep.  My own little Dennis Leary.

We sit down at the restaurant and make small talk while we wait for Cyndi to get there.  Small talk with a homeless person is not easy, let me tell you.  Especially when you think about all the “stuff” that are your personal problems that seem so huge, but their “stuff” is made up of things like, holy shit it got a lot colder today and I don’t have a warm blanket for tonight.  But, we ate, and laughed and even my son warmed up to her a little bit.

Cyndi gets there and we finish lunch.  I then drop the lady off at some random place, and decide that it is 2:30 and I have just enough time to make it to Sam’s Club because we are almost out of fruits and veggies at my house, and that is against our religion.  No, seriously.  We’re from California.

Sam’s Club takes longer than I thought it would and OH SHIT!  It’s 3:00!  I have to be at Emily’s school in 15 minutes to pick her up!  I can’t drop her off late and then pick her up late to make it up!  We run to the cash register line, which is WAAAAAY longer than it should be on a Wednesday afternoon, and finally check out.  I make it to Emily’s school and grab her up just in time to realize that I forgot pudding and gummy worms for her Halloween party at the Girl Scout meeting tonight.  Oh yeah, and Emily needs red tights for her WonderWoman costume. I swear, if I don’t get this ADD under control…..

We drive to the supermarket, then back to Wal-Mart to get the needed goods.  It’s 4:42 by this point.  The party is at 6.  Shit.  Okay…I can do this.  Wait!  I have to pay the light bill or it’s late today!  I jump onto the computer and realize I can’t find my login information.  Fuck!  Where is that account number.  Are you kidding me???? It’s 4:45.  I have literally 15 minutes to get my payment in, so I call customer service.  Cue the elevator music…and then the voice of the annoying bitch who tells me that my wait time is going to be longer than 10 minutes due to high call volume.  I am frantic at this point.  Yes, it’s only 10 dollars, but I don’t want to pay another 10 dollars, damn it.  Wait…I remember!  I put in the correct info, and PRESTO!  The bill is paid!  Shit.  Okay.

We have to make dirt cups now kids!!!!  Uh huh…we now have to make some cutesie little cups with oreos, pudding, and gummy worms for the party that we are supposed to be at in 1 hours.  We get it done in 15 minutes and I realize that I still haven’t showered today.  I magically get in and out of the shower within 8 minutes…I’m like a ninja.  I yell to the kids as water is still dripping down the crack of my ass, “Time to put your costumes on!!!”  They yell with excitement, always ready for anything Halloween related, and start the process.  I walk out of the bathroom to help, still in a towel, and proceed to get them properly clothed.  Once they are done I realize that I am still in a towel.

Deep breaths. How much longer is my day???  Well, I still have to go through Ethan falling asleep before we even get out the door to go to the party as well as homework to be done and a meeting about the work Halloween party this weekend.  I would tell you about all that too, but I am getting too tired just writing this blog.

Hope your day was somewhat productive too!!  I think I’ll go have a little nightcap now.  🙂

Tator.

I woke up this morning to an elbow right in my face along with a knee in my back.  My husband is lucky it wasn’t him cause I probably would have punched him right in the gut for taking up so much space (which is a normal thing, btw).  Nope!  This time it was my son.  He is such an awful sleeper!  And by this, I mean he spreads completely out on the bed.  I don’t understand how a 3 year old can manage to take up practically an entire California King Size bed, but he manages to do it.

I get out of bed because I just can’t manage to hit the snooze button one more time, let along shove Ethan back over to his Dad’s side again.

Coffee.  I need coffee.  I make my way into the kitchen where the coffee pot awaits our morning routine.  It’s somewhat like a Folgers commercial, except I make my own coffee…nobody is sneaking in to wake me up with the aroma drifting down the hallway.  Plus I hate Folgers.  I use Hills Bros coffee and we grind our own beans in this house.  If you knew my Dad you would know that coffee is not just coffee.  It is a religion.  Anyway, I digress.

I inhale the smell of freshly ground coffee beans and get the pot percolating.  I realize that I actually got to sleep in this morning, and by sleep in, I mean I slept until 8.

What’s this?  No screaming?  No fighting?  No tantrums?  I’m just not really sure what to do with myself.

My son pads sleepily down the hallway and I realize that dreams really do come true.  That’s right…he slept through the night without wetting the bed (which is extra special, since he decided to climb into our bed).

He looked somewhat like this guy, except smaller and cuter.  Ignore the lady.

Next, I make a mental note of my to-do list today and realize that it really isn’t that long. Then I realize that I have no homework today.  I actually have some time for myself!!

Yup.  It’s gonna be a good day tator.

So right now, my son is in the thralls of an intense meltdown.  It still amazes me the way that he can put so much effort and energy into such a seemingly small thing.

My son is passionate.  That’s one way I could describe him.  He really does everything with his whole heart.  It’s amazing the way he puts himself into things, and it will be a boon to him when he gets a little bit older.  Like, at this exact moment he is laying in the back doorway screaming,” I WANT THE BIG STICK!!  I WANT THE STICK!” Over and over and over.  Let me give you a little background on this story.

My daughter has been sick for the last few days.  I let them watch waaaaay too many cartoons and movies when they are sick, and by default, when one is sick, the other gets to watch the TV too.  Today, my daughter was feeling a bit better, so I ordered them to peel off their pjs and take their little butts outside so that they could get some sunshine and semi-clean air. (This is Lubbock, of course).

They get dressed and head outside, where they typically play very well together.  I sat down at the computer to check my e-mail and perhaps write another blog, when, not 5 minutes later, I hear the telltale “Owwww!  Ethan, that HURT!”

I wait for it.  The backdoor comes open violently and my daughter comes in with a pissed-off look on her face.  “MOMMY, ETHAN HIT ME!”

“It’s mine!” comes a little voice from outside.

I call them both inside to find out what all the ruckus it about.  Turns out, that windstorm that happened earlier this week left a  huge stick outside from the tree that both of the kids were trying to play with.  I decide that the only fair thing is for them to share it.  I am so King Solomon in this story.  They refuse to share it (of course), and so I have my daughter dispose of the thing over the back fence.

My. Son. Is. Fucking. Pissed.

Screaming his woes to the world he heads back outside.  All of a sudden…silence.

Something is wrong.

Ethan comes inside smiling from ear to ear.  I don’t know why my little monkey is so happy now, but I know that it can’t be good.  He looks a bit like Mini Me from Austin Powers right now.  I’m pretty sure he even had his pinky up by his mouth.

This JUST happened, btw.  I was writing this post when he came in with an evil grin.

He whispers something to me that I can’t quite figure out…something about sissy’s shoes are outside and she needs to find them.

My daughter retorts, “Nuh uh Ethan, my shoes are on my feet!”

Ethan’s shit-eating grin widens.  “Not your school shoes!”

Turns out my son is full of vengeance, somewhat like God.  He decided that in retaliation of Emily listening to me when I told her to throw the stick over the fence he was going to throw her brand new Sketchers over that very same fence into the alley behind our house.

I have to say that although I was pissed that he would compromise my money like that…it was pretty ingenious.  And don’t worry…they’re playing together as I type at the kitchen table.  But I think they’re arguing about sharing the black marker.  Wonder how that one’s gonna turn out?

Stay tuned….

Fat bitch.

Okay.  So I’ll admit that I’ve been guilty of calling other women fat bitches.  Which really doesn’t make sense, considering I too, am a bitch, and I as well, have a few dimples on my thighs.  Girl on girl crime is on the rise, and ladies, we are all guilty.  I don’t feel that it’s a crime to be fat or a bitch for that matter.  But to deny who and what you are…that is a crime.

I like to maintain reality.  I am one of those friends who you know will tell you the truth.  I’ll tell you if you’re being extra bitchy today.  I’ll call you out if those jeans really do make you look fat.  If you have food in your teeth, I’ll be the one who lets you know. If your husband is an asshole, I’ll probably call him out.

Why are there so many others out there who are the complete opposite?  Women who are so concerned with what society thinks that they can’t embrace their innate bitchiness except behind the backs of everyone else drive me fucking insane. I am taking charge of my bitchiness and putting it out there for you to do the same.  Call me a bitch; it’s what I have printed on my bar key, so don’t worry…I already know.

What’s wrong with being a bitch, as long as I’m an honest bitch?  Who’s with me?

Okay, so I’ll admit it.  I love kids.  But I hate the little bastards too.  Not mine, of course.  Mine are always little angels.  It’s those other people’s kids who make me want to become a front page headline.  Does anyone else know what I’m talking about?  My children would never make fun of other kids.  They always make sure to include everyone else when playing.  And most important of all, they always say please, thank you, and cook me breakfast in bed each and every day. And we ride unicorns to school and blow bubbles through rainbows every day before breakfast after watching the sun rise as a family and talk about our feelings.

Yeah, right.

Don’t you love those parents?  Parents who think that their kiddos are God’s greatest gift but everyone else has a child who is the otherwise flawed make me fucking crazy!  Usually these are the parents you see who are running the PTA and talking shit behind other parents backs.  Yes, if you are this parent I am talking to you!  Don’t get me wrong…my kids are great.  But not all the time.  They can drive me (and I’m sure other people) bat-shit crazy!!  They do wrong, each and every day.  My little girl sings off key to every song that she loves on the radio, not to mention all of the songs that she makes up on the spot.  It drives me nuts.  It’s cute, but seriously…ALL THE TIME.  She also has a tendency to overreact to, well, just about anything.  My son, little darling that he is, back talks me more than I care to remember.  And seriously, the swearing is getting out of hand.  I don’t know where the fuck he gets it from.   And there are plenty more flaws where those came from.

Our children live in a society of overparenting.  These “helicopter parents” are well-meaning, to be sure, but what sort of good is it doing their kids?  Now, before you get mad, let me tell you, I’ve had my moments. I bought the restaurant high chair cover to keep my kid from getting germs.  I rubber padded the sharp corners on my fireplace when my first child was learning to walk.  But in the last few weeks I’ve been seeing that my own helicoptering is preventing my kids from getting their own experiences without me being there to pad the sharp corners of life for them.  I don’t want my kids to think that they are always perfect, protected, and infallible.  Who the hell does?  Nobody likes that kid in school!  That kid is the asshole!  And if you don’t remember who that asshole was in your class…chances are it was you.  These days kids don’t even play outside anymore, or even know the kids in the neighborhood.  Hell, when I was a kid, we would go and ROAM the neighborhood, but be home before dark.  What happened in the last 20 years that made kids no longer able to withstand the quite normal and healthy sufferings of childhood?

Perhaps this was you!

I believe that a key to good parenting comes in telling your kids that they have flaws.  IT’S OKAY PEOPLE!  You’re not going to harm your kid if you tell him honestly he’s not quarterback material!  Hell, you might make him realize that he has a real knack for acting, or violin, or some other talent he might not have looked at because you’ve been too busy telling him that he is the next Joe Montana.  I believe that my daughter is amazing, but Taylor Swift she is not.  At least not yet.  Practice makes perfect.  I believe that my mouth of a son is funny, but he’s not Jeff Foxworthy.  Not yet anyway.  Comic, yes.  Professional, no.

Am I the only one who has noticed the overflow of all the entitled, I’m better than you are, little monster children out there?  Our children are miniature versions of us.  So if your little princess is walking around acting like a serious diva, you should probably check your mirror to see if you tend to do the same thing.  (That’s definitely my problem)  Swear, I do the singing thing too…poor hubby.

Look, don’t do your kids (or us) a disservice any more.  Praise them when they honestly do well.  Be happy when they try their best.  But make sure that you let them know that it’s okay to fail.  It’s okay to fuck up every once in awhile.  And tell them that if they’re not good at something, it’s okay.  Let them know that it’s okay to grow up to be a janitor.  Or a pot farmer (only in California).  Or maybe a manager at McDonald’s.  Let’s be clear here, there can’t possibly be millions of future presidents of the United States.  Tell your kids the TRUTH!!  Or you might just end up being the parent who watches your child get booed off the stage on America’s Got Talent.  And that just really hurts us all, doesn’t it?

Be a patriot.  Go ahead.  Tell your kid they suck.  Better yet, let them fall off their bikes without a helmet.  Or maybe even let them play down the block without you watching with a pair of binoculars.   Sit back, pour yourself a drink, and realize that, unlike me, you are not supermom.  Just trust me when I say, my drink has already been poured.