Okay, so I’ll admit it.  I love kids.  But I hate the little bastards too.  Not mine, of course.  Mine are always little angels.  It’s those other people’s kids who make me want to become a front page headline.  Does anyone else know what I’m talking about?  My children would never make fun of other kids.  They always make sure to include everyone else when playing.  And most important of all, they always say please, thank you, and cook me breakfast in bed each and every day. And we ride unicorns to school and blow bubbles through rainbows every day before breakfast after watching the sun rise as a family and talk about our feelings.

Yeah, right.

Don’t you love those parents?  Parents who think that their kiddos are God’s greatest gift but everyone else has a child who is the otherwise flawed make me fucking crazy!  Usually these are the parents you see who are running the PTA and talking shit behind other parents backs.  Yes, if you are this parent I am talking to you!  Don’t get me wrong…my kids are great.  But not all the time.  They can drive me (and I’m sure other people) bat-shit crazy!!  They do wrong, each and every day.  My little girl sings off key to every song that she loves on the radio, not to mention all of the songs that she makes up on the spot.  It drives me nuts.  It’s cute, but seriously…ALL THE TIME.  She also has a tendency to overreact to, well, just about anything.  My son, little darling that he is, back talks me more than I care to remember.  And seriously, the swearing is getting out of hand.  I don’t know where the fuck he gets it from.   And there are plenty more flaws where those came from.

Our children live in a society of overparenting.  These “helicopter parents” are well-meaning, to be sure, but what sort of good is it doing their kids?  Now, before you get mad, let me tell you, I’ve had my moments. I bought the restaurant high chair cover to keep my kid from getting germs.  I rubber padded the sharp corners on my fireplace when my first child was learning to walk.  But in the last few weeks I’ve been seeing that my own helicoptering is preventing my kids from getting their own experiences without me being there to pad the sharp corners of life for them.  I don’t want my kids to think that they are always perfect, protected, and infallible.  Who the hell does?  Nobody likes that kid in school!  That kid is the asshole!  And if you don’t remember who that asshole was in your class…chances are it was you.  These days kids don’t even play outside anymore, or even know the kids in the neighborhood.  Hell, when I was a kid, we would go and ROAM the neighborhood, but be home before dark.  What happened in the last 20 years that made kids no longer able to withstand the quite normal and healthy sufferings of childhood?

Perhaps this was you!

I believe that a key to good parenting comes in telling your kids that they have flaws.  IT’S OKAY PEOPLE!  You’re not going to harm your kid if you tell him honestly he’s not quarterback material!  Hell, you might make him realize that he has a real knack for acting, or violin, or some other talent he might not have looked at because you’ve been too busy telling him that he is the next Joe Montana.  I believe that my daughter is amazing, but Taylor Swift she is not.  At least not yet.  Practice makes perfect.  I believe that my mouth of a son is funny, but he’s not Jeff Foxworthy.  Not yet anyway.  Comic, yes.  Professional, no.

Am I the only one who has noticed the overflow of all the entitled, I’m better than you are, little monster children out there?  Our children are miniature versions of us.  So if your little princess is walking around acting like a serious diva, you should probably check your mirror to see if you tend to do the same thing.  (That’s definitely my problem)  Swear, I do the singing thing too…poor hubby.

Look, don’t do your kids (or us) a disservice any more.  Praise them when they honestly do well.  Be happy when they try their best.  But make sure that you let them know that it’s okay to fail.  It’s okay to fuck up every once in awhile.  And tell them that if they’re not good at something, it’s okay.  Let them know that it’s okay to grow up to be a janitor.  Or a pot farmer (only in California).  Or maybe a manager at McDonald’s.  Let’s be clear here, there can’t possibly be millions of future presidents of the United States.  Tell your kids the TRUTH!!  Or you might just end up being the parent who watches your child get booed off the stage on America’s Got Talent.  And that just really hurts us all, doesn’t it?

Be a patriot.  Go ahead.  Tell your kid they suck.  Better yet, let them fall off their bikes without a helmet.  Or maybe even let them play down the block without you watching with a pair of binoculars.   Sit back, pour yourself a drink, and realize that, unlike me, you are not supermom.  Just trust me when I say, my drink has already been poured.

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