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It’s Football Damn it!

I had a great blog all pressed and ready for you, but the stupid host only posted the picture of the football!  Oops.  Well, suffice it to say that there was much better content than just a cool picture, but I suppose I’ll have to attempt a rewrite so that you can get your fix. 

Football season is finally here!!  Yay!  The last few weeks have been fantastically filled with football games, highlight, reels, and of course, the beers.  Even my son is getting in on it, with his little 4 year old self out there playing some flag football.  4 year old football = adorable, by the way.  I highly recommend it. 

My Packers lost their first game, which sucked, especially surrounded by about 49 49ers fans at my home while I barbequed.  I may have shed a few tears.  Don’t judge me.  They’re still gonna take the season though, don’t let that first game fool you.  My boys are amazing, and just like I tell my kids, don’t worry boys, I love you all the time.  When you suck, when you’re great, when you’re mediocre, when you drop the pass, fumble the ball, take that QB sack, miss the kick, or lead us all to glory with an amazing play on defense.  Love you all the time. 

Sorry I haven’t blogged in awhile.  Life is BUSY, as you are well aware.  The kids are great, especially now that school has started again.  My love life, eh, well, that’s a story for another day.  Derby still rocks my socks.  Thank God for that.  Work is exhausting.  School is demanding as well as exhausting.  My internship is looking to be pretty fantastic, but I will be busy.  And of course with Ethan’s football and Emily’s basketball…let’s just say the coffee pot will be pouring nonstop this fall.  Just how I love my life!  🙂

Anyway…time to go get my sweat on with sexy Mr. Shaun T and the Insanity crew.  Go watch some football.  Or ESPN.  Or something. 

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What is it about babies?

Man…it seems like springtime is baby time!  I keep seeing all these beautiful tiny little newborn babies and it makes me a bit itchy to have my own once again. 

And then my son screams from the toilet seat,” MOOOOMM!!!  I POOPED!”

The daydream is broken into shattered pieces. 

I love children.  Yes, yes, yes I do.  My children especially, because even when I get mad at them I realize that it’s okay because they’re pretty.  God forbid I ever get blessed with an ugly kid…I might have to beat them.  But more seriously, when I started having kids I was set on having at least 5, but nowadays I’m pretty sure that we will stop at either the two we have, or one more within the next 3 years.  It’s hard to justify having more children in a world where there are so many kids who need loving parents.  The long term goal is to have a house full of crazy munchkins whose parents are unable to fulfill their parental duties.  Oooh, and horses.  And dogs.  Maybe a few goats, who knows?  We’ll start working on that plan next year.  But for now, we have our own two little monsters, who consistently destroy furniture, write on walls (damn you Ethan!), and throw temper tantrums.  And blow bubbles.  And eat everything within arm’s (or chair, or stool, or countertops) length. Most of the time these temper tantrums lead to questions like this one:

Last night’s question of the evening was, “Mommy, what’s a temper?”   I quickly told my son that it was him on steroids.  Which then led to the question, “What’s steriods?” 

The moral of the story is folks…I love kids.  I love questions.  Kids + questions equals a happy me.  And horses.  And dogs.  And maybe a goat.  We’ll see.

Stop or I’ll shoot!

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I love watching family-friendly shows like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.  I know it’s old school, but I love happy endings. It drives my husband bananas, but he puts up with it.  I swear, I’m like a pregnant woman, getting all choked up at death scenes and sad music.  WTF is wrong with me?  Ha!  I was never like this before children…I could watch a horror movie festival all night alone in my own house.  Now I jump when the cat walks around the corner.  Sheesh.  I know, I know…what kind of self-respecting ass-kicking ninja mom can’t take it when the bad guy comes in with the chainsaw?  Well, I’ll tell you who…this one.  But I swear, I learned a lot living in Texas, like how to shoot someone in their face if they get too close to my personal happy zone.  Just because California might be abolishing the death penalty does not mean that I will aim lower. 

To recap, Dr. Quinn, good.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre, fun but really scary with the lights off. Californians, scared to kill.  Texans, shoot you from the front porch. 

Oh, and if you sneak up on me in my house while I’m watching a scary movie, don’t be surprised if I shoot. 

I hear all the time that a good mother should never do the things that they did when they were younger.  Just like June Cleaver, a good mother is at home by 5 pm (or stays home with the kids), cooks dinner for the family, plays a game around the fireplace, does bathtime, then bedtime, then tucks the children in after she sings them a song with a kiss on the forehead.  Well, I guess that means that I am the mother of the century…or maybe the antithesis of the mother of the century, whoever the fuck she is.

My day goes more like this…work all day, come home, cook dinner for the kids (this is my Leave it to Beaver moment), get in the shower, get dressed for the bar, slip in a bit of homework here and there, go back to work, skank it up a bit to get extra tips for those shoes my daughter wanted, stumble in the door at around 3 am, and then pass out on the couch.  I don’t know if that qualifies as mother of the year, but its what I have to do in order to make the bills get paid.

One of these days I’ll be running my own clinic and I can have people pay me hourly to get to talk to me.  For now, I guess I’ll just stick with skanking it up.

Anyway, yesterday was a bbq at a very good friend’s house, and this morning I woke up with some colorful bruises on my right foot.  I definitely did not get these ones from derby, so I had to ask myself, “Self, how the hell did you bruise your foot like that?”  Then I remembered that about 3 beers and two shots into the evening I chased my friend’s brother through the house and slammed myself onto my ass after slipping on the tile with my wet feet.  Crap.

I did have one supermom moment though…my son almost drowned in the pool, and, just like last year, I jumped in to rescue him, fully clothed.  It was quite dramatic….I guess you had to be there.  Take that, June Cleaver…

Okay, so I’m sitting here feeling like at total loser.  Okay, not a total loser, but my husband is sleeping and I am drinking my Valentine’s Day bottle of wine all by myself.  Wish I had a boyfriend right now.  Lol.  Does anyone else out there have this problem?  I guess the lack of mystery is complete in my relationship.  Damn 7 years.

Can I just say at this moment that I am no longer liable for anything that comes out of my mouth (or keyboard)?  I just want you all to know that I have had a half bottle of delicious Pinot Noir (my favorite) and whatever I type is not just cause for civil suit.

I miss my friends.  Devyn…I miss you while I am drinking this bottle of wine.  Shit.

Cyndi…sorry I was only listening halfway earlier.  Call me tomorrow and we will have a real conversation when I am not trying to write a midterm research paper (PS, pray for my grade).

The rest of you…I miss your crazy asses too.  Yeah, I make friends quickly, but we all know that real friendship is hard to find.  Don’t worry…you will never ever ever be replaced.

I love my Amber, but haven’t talked to her in like a week.  Life is busy for both of us.

My husband…shit.  Life is completely in the way of that…I think we need a date, but hell, who has the money for a date?

My kids.  They are amazing.  They drive me nutso most days, but I am so super blessed to have two of the smartest, funniest children in the entire world.  I might be biased, but whatever.

Hey, readers.  Count your blessings…

Okay.  So, I’ve been working all day on this research paper/distracting myself with Facebook and Pinterest (they are the devil), and I found this quote that I just had to stop and blog about.

These are powerful words.  I know that I am a snarky bitch a lot of the time, but this quote could change your life in a very real way.  Life is hard people.  God (or Ala, or whoever you might pray to) didn’t say that it was going to be easy…just that it would be.  There are a few simple rules to maintaining happiness.

Rule #1

SMILE! 

Put on your pretty panties, grab a hairbrush, turn the radio up and sing and dance in the mirror!  Go ahead and laugh at yourself when you drop that stack of papers…you can still pick it up!  Life is so much less painful when you retain a sense of humor about the little things.

Rule #2

GET OVER IT! 

You aren’t always going to be number one.  That’s okay.  You are going to fail, many, many times.  But the courage to get back up and try it again might just be what you needed to get a fresh perspective on things.

Rule #3

TRY NEW THINGS! 

Doing the same old routine is comforting, yes.  I enjoy a cup of coffee every single morning.  But, there are days that I don’t get my coffee, and on those days, I decide, what the hell…maybe I’ll have tea.  And you know what?  I liked the tea!!!  New things make life fresh again, new friends bring new love and ideas, new stuff can be the highlight of your year if you allow it to!

Rule #4

STAY CONNECTED!

And no, I don’t mean with Facebook.  CALL SOMEONE!  To be fulfilled, you have to maintain real relationships with people.  Even if that means picking up the phone and actually having to figure out some sort of real conversation other than that quote you found on Pinterest today.

Rule #5

GO OUTSIDE!

Seriously…get out of the house.  Get your hands in the dirt, ride your bike, roller skate (I absolutely suggest this one), play softball, go to the park, enjoy nature and beauty and fresh air.  Pictures online do not do nature justice.

Rule #6

FORGIVE OTHERS!

C’mon guys, we are all guilty of this.  But seriously…we are all human.  And what is that grudge doing for you anyway?  Holding a grudge is similar to purposely giving yourself cancer, because anger grows over time.  We feed it, and the key to letting yourself be free is to forgive the other people who have hurt you.  People are always going to let you down, because they are people.  But guess what…you have let someone down too, and they have probably forgiven you.

Rule #7

GO ON A DATE!

This is so important.  It’s along the lines of staying connected, but you must do this with your intimate relationships as well.  For those of us in old dusty relationships, we have to ignite the fire and remember what the hell we wanted in these people that we have been with since the beginning of time.  Some days it is hard when you are staring at a nose hair that got missed by the trimmer…but date night is invigorating to a relationship.  And if you are not in a relationship, that’s okay too….ask somebody out!  Even if they are not your type, just to connect intimately (not sex, although that’s nice too), with another person.

Rule #8

SELF CARE!!

Do something that makes YOU happy.  Not your kids.  Not your mom.  Not your husband/wife.  Not your friends.  YOU.  Get a massage.  Read a book.  Write a song.  Go on a hike.  Visit Mt. Olympus.  Date a hot Italian.  Whatever is on that bucket list of things you love to do but you just keep putting off.  Do it now.

Rule #9

HELP SOMEONE ELSE!

There is no better feeling in this world than knowing that your act has had an effect on someone else’s well being.  Volunteer your time, your money, your children, whatever.  I promise you, somewhere, there is someone who has it worse than you.  Give of yourself and you will reap the benefits.

Rule #10

MAKE A CHANGE

The best thing about life is that you are in control of your actions.  You cannot always control your situation, but you get to pick how you react to wherever you are in life, be it person, place, or thing.  Make your choices, make your changes, and then appreciate them.  You either achieved or you failed, but either way, you learned.  Don’t let fear rule your life.  Like Nike says….Just Do It.

Mom!!!!!

“Hey mom, can I have a dollar?”

Good lord.  These kids are nickel, dime, and dollaring me to death!  I certainly understand that there are times that a parent should pass out the fundage, but man, when there are no funds to be had, how do you explain to a 6 year old that, no, we’re not actually rich?

Times are tough.  Money is tight.  Everyone is trying to rub two dimes together and come up with a $20 bill.  I, however, do not have these magical powers.  I’m sitting here staring at a $1000 AllState bill, all because these fucktards couldn’t get their shit together and bill me correctly on a monthly basis.  So now, I get to pay for their incompetence all in one chunk.  Yea me!!!

I also have to pay a lovely $800 ER bill for when my son damn near knocked himself out the other night.  I got one bill from the ER and another from the physician’s group, which would be fine, except we didn’t even see a damn physician.  We saw an assistant.  Fanfuckingtastic.  We were in the waiting room for 4 hours and then we got seen for a total of 7 minutes.  They took my son’s pulse and then billed me $162 for a pulmonary exam.  WTF???

Pardon my foul language, but holy shitballs!  Welcome to my life.  I’m sure that some of your lives are reflective of the same problems.  But, money comes and goes, usually going more than it comes, and life is not for the weak willed.  This game is tough, and I’m just gonna have to suck it up cupcake and make some things happen.

Now….on to finding that money tree…..

Budget????

Well, life is good.  I’m once again learning to live on a budget, and although it is difficult, it is attainable.  California is definitely a rough place to be right now, economically speaking, although the flowers on the trees that are blooming for spring right now are absolutely gorgeous. However, this is the area of the land of the free where it is the home of the completely broke and unemployed.

My kids are growing.  And eating.  And growing.  Holy crap when did food get this expensive?  I suppose if I fed them crap all day long I could save money, but I’m one of these mothers who fills the fridge with vegetables, fruits, yogurt, cheese, and all that kind of stuff.  Whole wheat pasta is actually pretty good.  Don’t worry…we have a cookie jar too, they get treats every once in awhile, but for the most part, healthy food=good food.

And I seriously wish I had time to coupon.  Those bitches save so much money!  Ugh.  I am the stupid cow who gets a few coupons and acts like I will use them, then I forget them on the way to the store.  My ADD is crippling my couponing ability!!  I see some of my friends posting about how much money they saved, and then I think back to when I actually tried to coupon.  What they don’t tell you is how much work it actually is to save as much money as they do.  How many hours you actually put in.  I just don’t have the time.

I have already cut back on the things that we don’t need, only buying necessities and all that jazz.  But let’s face it…just basic bills are expensive.  Too much month at the end of the money, if you know what I mean.

The funds are running low people.  So if you have any tips on how to score some extra cash (legally people, I can’t catch a case), please….let me know!!!!

but, I can’t.  Not after I just paid a $313 PG&E bill.  Holy shit.  Is California really this expensive?  I swear, the only part that seems like I remember it is the fruit guy on the corner giving me fantastic deals on a flat of strawberries.  And P.S., I’m paying $80,000 to get my master’s degree.  What in the hell was I thinking?

The good news is, hubby found a job.  The bad news is, the job is part-time.  The good news is, he’s got some side work to fill in.  The worse news is, it’s all a guessing game as to when or if the side work will continue to file in.

CRAP!

I’m not singing any more Biggie Smalls in my head anymore…just trying to sing in the rain (which, by the way is really lovely to see and smell, sorry Hub City friends).

Did I mention that I have to find childcare?  How does that work?  I need to pay someone to watch my children while I pay to work for free as I get my master’s.  Double crap.

And yet, the days are good.  I’m playing Roller Derby now, which is AWESOME!!

I’m no Tonya Harding, but I’ll still break your leg…

Wow.  I’m full of uncanny wit tonight…guess it’s been awhile since I got on here and decompressed to my phenomenal readers.

But I did have a crazy fun night with my kids and hubby watching, of all movies, Space Jam.  Then I did a long tuck-in with the kiddos while my sleepy-faced son drifted off to dreamland after his sweet prayers were finished.

My daughter even had a real talk with me about what was going on at school…score one for cool mommy with maybe some good advice.  Maybe not; is it wrong to tell your kid that when other kids are little assholes to treat them like doo doo back?  I mean, she’s usually really good at ignoring, but I could tell that this one little mean girl was really starting to hurt her feelings.  Kids like that make me want to kick them in the face.  With steel toed boots.  Ugly mommy is coming out.

Anyway folks, it’s nice to be back.  Hope you enjoyed the festivities, and I’ll see you all on the other side of my eyelids!

K.